The Circle of Safety

A Key to Understanding Ourselves and Others

by Elle O'Flaherty

What drives all of us, at the most fundamental level, is the need to feel safe. Safety isn’t just physical. It’s emotional, psychological, social, and even spiritual. When we feel unsafe, our brains shift into survival mode. The logical, strategic part of the brain, where creativity, empathy, and planning live, gets quiet. The primal brain takes over, pushing us into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. We become reactive instead of reflective. Strategic instead of generous. Protective instead of collaborative.

This is the key to understanding human motivation: each of us has a unique internal blueprint for what safety looks and feels like. It’s shaped by lived experience, neurobiology, culture, trauma, and identity. We also carry a personal sense of responsibility for who we need to protect. In essence, who we draw our circle of safety around. Some draw their circle around themselves. It makes sense for someone who is a survivor, who has had to do everything they could to protect themselves. Others include family, a natural drive to protect their closest loved ones as they would themselves. Still others draw their circle around neighbors, colleagues, communities, or even the global collective. All of these are noble demonstrations of self-preservation, love for one's family, or a feeling of community and connection.

There is no wrong way to draw your circle.

And yet, problems arise when we assume others should draw theirs like we do, or when our circle is stretched too thin to keep anyone feeling secure. This is where compassion and clarity meet. If we can understand what someone needs to feel safe and who they are driven to protect, we can understand their motivations and actions with far more empathy.

 Why This Matters for ADHD Professionals

 If you’re a professional with ADHD, your brain may be even more sensitive to disruptions in safety. Many of us grew up misunderstood, criticized, or unsupported. Our need for psychological safety—freedom from judgment, trust in our abilities, space to try and fail—is both essential and often unmet. When that need isn’t fulfilled, it’s no wonder we procrastinate, mask our symptoms, or swing between perfectionism and paralysis.

 But here’s the opportunity: once you understand your own circle of safety, you can begin to take steps to reinforce it.

• Do you need clear expectations and consistency to feel safe at work?

• Does your nervous system feel safer when your space is quiet, organized, or predictable?

• Do you thrive when you’re surrounded by people who understand how your brain works?

• Does your ADHD make uncertainty or rejection feel unbearable? If so, can you create systems that help with that discomfort?

 This reflection is not about judgment. It’s about tending to the soft animal of your body, as Mary Oliver might say. It's about creating conditions at work, home, and in your community where that soft animal can exhale and stretch out its paws.

 

A Call to Action

I invite you to ask yourself two simple questions:

1. What makes me feel truly safe?

2. Who do I feel responsible for protecting, and how do I want to show up for them?

Then take one small action to reinforce that safety. It might be setting a boundary. Creating a backup plan. Talking to your team about what helps you thrive. Or simply giving yourself permission to stop performing and start being.

You deserve to feel safe. Not just in the bare-minimum sense of survival, but in the deeper sense of belonging, confidence, and ease. Let that soft animal inside you know: I’ve got you.